


one time when gilbert hugged feliciano (3.5)

by agathons



Series: four times feliciano hugged ludwig, and one time when ludwig did. [4]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, M/M, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Scars, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-25
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-28 01:52:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5073340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agathons/pseuds/agathons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gilbert talks about his life. Feliciano decides to move foreward with Ludwig.</p><p>alternative title:  "chamomile tattoo"</p>
            </blockquote>





	one time when gilbert hugged feliciano (3.5)

**Author's Note:**

> hello, is there anybody out there
> 
> first of all, i am incredibly SORRY, as always. 
> 
> i started writing this chapter right after i finished 'blankets' but it suddenly turned out to become 3k words long monologue so. i decided to post it as ~additional part, but it's still relevant to the plot and whole au. this is sort of bridge between last and upcoming part. 
> 
> i'll try to post part 4 this week.

Coffee seemed even more black in comparison with his pale, nearly transparent palms. His nostrils widened due to the bitter smell of the beverage and Gilbert sighed with relief. Finally home. He stretched his arms and groaned as his bones made cracking sounds and a thought crossed his semi-concious mind “You should really go to sleep.” 

"Bullshit.” Gilbert said out loud and lit up a cigarette. Goosebumps appeared on his translucent arms, here and there covered with tattoos. Morning was rather chilly, but he left the window opened wide so that cigarette smell wasn’t so strong.

Gilbert’s back was really painful after the previous day. He worked till 2am and after that, went out with his friends. Many people consider DJ’s job as easy and fun, but it’s not. It’s actually like a normal job, you have to work hard to get paid. They weren't broke or too hard on money- since Gilbert was both a club DJ and a radio host, quite popular too- and Ludwig's job in corporation was also profitable. But Gilbert wanted to be outside, he wanted to meet so many people and be friends with them. To know their parents’ names, to pet their dogs, to go on holidays with them. He was a pack animal. Probably, because he wanted to overcompensate himself for all those lonely childhood years before his younger brother appeared. And now look, Gilbert was hiding his smoking not-addiciton before younger Ludwig. Shouldn’t it be other way round?

One pale hand embraced the mug with hot coffee and the second one unlocked the phone. 

Gilbert yawned, scrolling down his Instagram feed. He clicked to see Francis’ profile in search for any embarrassing photos from the previous night- there was just one selfie and one photo of their table. But quite a different photo catched his eye instead - one of the recently uploaded photos was a selfie which Francis took while lying in bed but there was someone with him ... Gilbert's eyes narrowed as he tried to identify a messy haired blonde lying asleep next to the smirking Frenchman. Next to Francis Bonnefoy, his longtime friend, was his partner from radio show- Arthur Kirkland. Gilbert let out a hoarse laugh. Good for you, old man. 

A sudden breath of wind blowed into the kitchen and the German's exposed arms were covered in goosebumps again. I am such a responsible adult. Sittin' in cold kitchen, wearin' only a tank top, not caring at all about my health. He thought and took a big sip of his coffee. Nice. Putting up the mug he looked up and realised someone was standing in the door.

Feliciano was wearing baby blue t-shirt and shorts and his hands were busy rubbing his sleepy eyes. He yawned and mumbled a simple hello at Gilbert and walked over to the table to pour himself a cup of coffee. He sat down, rested his chin against his palm and started moving a spoon in the dark beverage with an indifferent look on his face.

"I'm surprised you woke up before Ludwig." Gilbert stated, examining the Italian's face. He sure seemed troubled. 

"You woke up before Ludwig, too." Feliciano responded not looking up from his coffee "or should I say, you didn't go to sleep at all."

Gilbert smiled, showing his teeth. "Yeah, you're right." 

They sat in silence for a couple of moments and Gilbert asked Feliciano if he wanted some breakfast. The Italian shook his head and they sat in silence again. 

"He should wake up soon, he usually goes jogging around 6am" Gilbert said but it all felt so awkward he started to feel uncomfortable. He sighed and asked straightforward:

“Feliciano, what’s wrong?”

Feliciano raised his shoulders in response, his sight absent, his spoon still mixing milk with coffee and sugar. 

Gilbert sighed again. “Okay. I guess if you wanted to talk, you’d talk to me…?” he asked rhetorically. 

“Yeah, I guess so.” Feliciano swallowed a bit of coffee. “I’m just not entirely sure if I want something specific.” He said after another moment of silence. 

Gilbert figured that he needed to change topic immediately or else Feliciano would start crying or something. His eyes narrowed and a smirk appeared on his lips.

“Nice tats.” He pointed out.

Feliciano impulsively looked at his forearms and smiled lightly. Gilbert quietly sighed with relief - maybe that would take Feliciano’s mind off trouble, whatever that trouble was. 

“Ah, yes. This one is a chamomile” he pointed at tattoo visible on his right forearm. It was about eleven centimeters long and the outline was simple, with no shadowing- just a simple drawing of a plant.

“I got this when I started college. Chamomile is said to symbolise patience and I needed kind of talisman or something ….” his voice got quiet and he smiled looking at the tattoo “I dunno, I believe in that kind of things.” 

Gilbert nodded “I understand. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about!” Feliciano smiled thankfully and stood up to prepare himself cereal. He refused when Gilbert asked if he needed any help. 

“And the other one?” Gilbert meant the tattoo on Italian’s left forearm, nearly as big as the chamomile one, only it showed a flower with small, blue petals. 

“Oh, it’s a bluebell” said Feliciano while pouring milk into the bowl “it symbolises humility. I chose those two attributes to um-” he stopped looking for the right word “-guide me in my life, because I lack them. And I think they’re important for an artist.” Feliciano sat down again and started to eat. “I’m planning to do some other tattoos later. Someday I’d like to tattoo someone by myself.” He added with his mouth full of cereal. 

“I volunteer!” Gilbert chuckled and it finally felt like the tense atmosphere was gone. Feliciano smiled at him. 

“How about you?” he motioned at the albino and Gilbert laughed, blushing slightly.  
“I dunno, it’s just….” he brushed his white hair with his long fingers “The story connected to my tattoos is pretty long.”

Feliciano put away his bowl once he finished, tangled his tanned fingers on the mug and narrowed his eyes. “I’ve got plenty of time.”

"Okay then." Gilbert bit his lip, thinking how he should start his story.

"So, my tats are, well kinda lame" he started and Feliciano protested, but Gilbert shushed him “Please. That one I did when I was sixteen” he pointed at thirteen centimeters long gothic cross tattooed on his right arm. Feliciano raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah, yeah I know. Rebel times” he chuckled and his eyes became distant, like he was trying to remember something. “You know, we used to live in the suburbs” suddenly his voice changed, became more soft and to be honest, Feliciano never thought that Gilbert could sound like this.

“Wittenburg. Nearly one and a half hour of car ride to Berlin. Pretty city, Luther started his reforms there.” He lit up his cigarette “And our suburbs, you know everyone’s perfect and everyone knows each other. So imagine how surprised our neighbours were when my parents brought home a baby with transparent skin and red eyese. Now I know, it’s not Middle Ages or something, but still, you’d be surprised how people reacted. Even adults.” 

“I attended public kindergarten and some of the parents didn’t want their kids to play with me, ‘cause you know-” he pointed at his eyes “you could find me playing alone or with like, one kid who didn’t mind. But then kindergarten ended and I had to go to primary school, and boy- that was some crazy shit!” Gilbert let out a hoarse laughter. “Kids thinking I’m Satan. Kids calling me possessed. Or just a vampire. You know, I’m laughing at this now, but I wasn’t laughing back then. I didn’t understand it. I did nothing wrong, right?” Feliciano nodded, absorbed by the story. “So I started being anxious. I loved being with people, but I couldn’t play outside, becasuse I would easily get a sunburn. Besides no one wanted to play with me. But I craved human contact! We always had so many animals and it’s cheesy to admit but for a while they were my best friends. My parents were also really good for me, helped me to get through it all and shit. But we decided that I can’t go to school anymore.” Gilbert sighed heavily and Feliciano felt actual pain in his heart because for a moment German looked so miserable. “I became sick. I couldn’t go outside otherwise I’d puke and cry and …. I suddenly started to hate everything about my life.”

"Ludwig was born short after I started being homeschooled and I loved him. I don’t know, maybe it’s weird, but I thought that someone would finally like me and that I’d have someone to talk to. And that’s basically what happened- I was playing with Ludwig nearly all the time and talking with him, even though he was just a slobbing tot. So years passed and my brother was my only friend. I’ve also changed because of him- he definitely made me more confident. He’d never admit that but I had to protect him. He’s my little brother, isn’t he? I’m rensponsible for him.” Gilbert shook off ashes from the cigarette. “So I finished my homeschooling aka substitute of primary school and then, encouraged by Ludwig, I decided to go to a public middle school and figure out what I want to do with my life. But I still couldn’t accept how I look, despite having great support from my family. So I bought black hair dye, ‘cause you know, rebel times and way too much My Chemical Romance, I ordered contact lenses and started teaching myself how to put on make up- eyebrows, eyelashes and all. Oh my God, that was insane!” Gilbert laughed again. “I looked so bad. Like a mess. I became troublesome, too. Some of the kids in middle school remembered me and stuff so you know, they were curious about my look. But I didn’t want to be friends with them anymore. I was the one to dictate conditions. I wasn’t really a bully I just was…. too confident. You know. I had no idea how to act around people my age, I was so confused. I was sassing out teachers and acting oh-so-cool but I was desperate for people to like me. Around that time I got that cross." He shrugged "I don't even remember what that was supposed to mean. It just looked edgy. After finishing middle school I wanted to cover it with something more meaningful or just nice-looking, but I dunno, I kinda grown attatched to it? It lacked a symbolism behind it, but it became a symbol for me. So it stayed."

Gilbert made a small pause during which he took a sip of his coffee. He resumed his story short after. 

“Our middle school is nine years long. During my fifth year a certain girl came to our class. She was an outsider, you know, she didn’t know anyone and stuff. I thought it was finally my chance to approach someone and have friends. It was difficult and rough at first- remember I was still a jerk- but Elizaveta became a friend who I’ve always wanted. She helped me, too. Actually, she shouted at me after I revealed that I’m an albino- she said I’m amazing and original and I should be proud for being so awesome. That being myself makes me awesome." his voice become smaller, and for a moment Feliciano thought Gilbert would start to cry. 

 

"I washed off they dye and took off my lenses. I realised something important." He looked into Feliciano's eyes, suddenly so wet, "I wanted to be normal, ordinary and I figured out that there's nothing wrong with being different. That I should make different new normal." 

Gilbert finally sighed with relief. "Nearly all my tattoos except that unfortunate cross represent something from that period. For example-" he stretched out his arm and Feliciano leaned in to look closer. Gilbert pointed at quote tattooed under his elbow, on the inside of his arm.  
_"Nichts ist für dich, nichts war für dich, nichts bleibt für dich, für immer"_ Gilbert read the lyrics in typewriter font. "It means: _nothing is for you, nothing was for you, nothing stays for you, for ever_. It's Rammstein's quote 'cause I'm trash" he laughed. "The song is rather depressing and all, but those particular lyrics really helped me realise the thing I said before. Well, I know it's cheesy and pretentious, don't say anything!" 

Feliciano smiled "I'm not judging you, I have flowers on my forearms." 

Gilbert laughed and took off his tank top, goosebumps appearing on his skin. Feliciano glanced at his fit body- so pale - and stopped his eyes on two tattoos visible on Gilbert's collarbones. They looked amazingly vivid and were beautifully contrasting with his pale complexion. 

"The canaries." The albino pointed at the tattoo of two birds, each placed on the ends of his collarbones. Their heads were slightly tilted down with black eyes looking down at a text that was written on the ribbon, the ends of which they were holding in their beaks. The text said _sehnsucht_ and it was written in simple italics. 

"The canaries aren't symbolic or anything" he said. "My first pet was a canary bird and I fell in love with those little creatures" he grinned. "Well, _sehnsucht_ on the other hand ... it's hard to translate. It's like ..." he paused, looking for the right definition "It's longing in our hearts for something we can't name, a yearning for a distant place one can call home." 

Feliciano's head suddenly flopped and he started shaking. Gilbert stood up quickly and put his palms on Italian's shoulders, asking what happened. Feliciano tilted his head up and his amber eyes were filled with tears, his cheeks wet. 

"You're so strong!" Feliciano cried out "You had it so much worse than me and everything's fine with my life, but I'm-" he stopped. 

Gilbert looked into his eyes, confused. "What? No, that's not true, I'm not-"

"You are." Feliciano insisted and shook Gilbert's hands off his shoulders. 

Gilbert took a deep breath and asked in a serious tone "Feliciano, what's wrong?”

 

The Italian sighed "Well, I might as well tell you." He lifted and stretched his hand. "Look closely" he said and shifted his bracelets he slept in. But there wasn't any secret tattoo hidden there. Gilbert's eyes narrowed and he noticed brownish and pinkish scars, nearly as wide as his wrist. The scars had their beginning under bracelets but smaller ones were below them. Gilbert needed a while to understand, but when he did he looked up to Feliciano, with a mixture of shock and sadness in his pale eyes. 

"Oh my God, Feli..." he started and the Italian drew his hand back and tugged it close to his chest.

"I won't say I'm sorry, because what would change that...." Gilbert said quietly. "But I can assure you, I could help you. I understand the state of yours, I never actually did it, but I wanted and-" 

"You had the right to do that. A reason." Feliciano responded, his voice emotionless "I didn't. I still don’t. I hate it and I hate myself for doing that but I can't stop. So I do it again, because I can't stop." his tone started to sound tearful. Gilbert leaned in and placed his palms on Feliciano's shoulders again. 

“Feliciano, stop. Stop saying anyone has the right to do that. No one should be ever pushed into doing so.” He explained calmly, trying to catch the Italian’s eyes. “I don’t know what to tell you… But Ludwig and I will do anything for you. Especially Ludwig.” He added and Feliciano’s head tilted up and his eyes beamed. 

“Y-you think so? I don’t want to be a burden for him… for anyone actually.” The Italian explained in a small voice. 

Gilbert shook his head “You’re not! Even more, I’m banning this word. You’re our little sunshine, definitely not a burden” he winked and Feliciano beamed with his sunlight-smile, the one that could probably melt half of Antarctica. He leaned in and clasped his palms around Gilbert’s neck and embraced him. Gilbert patted his back, grinning.

“Hey, Gil.” Feliciano shifted back. 

“Yeah?”

“I’m gonna tell him tonight.” he responded and German gave him a confused look.

“I’m gonna tell your brother I love him.” Feliciano said calmy with a big smile on his lips.


End file.
